Improving. Slowly. This condition is forcing a new level of patience that I did not know I could achieve. One day I feel like I accomplish greatness with some feat of great physical mastery (you know, walking to the shops, cooking a meal without sitting down to rest – real iron man ultra marathon material!), then the next I am in a state of exhausted recovery, almost as if I really had completed some sort of iron man or marathon style event.
These are small milestones in my recovery, but they are huge too. I must not devalue them by only attributing the level of esteem that they would once have been afforded.
My greatest admiration for my own self is currently in my newfound ability to rest. This is a revelation to me, and its value something I had previously underestimated. However, MS has slapped me hard and fast with the concept of recuperation, and of both mental and physical “downtime,” both in advance of and following any sort of activity. My urge to fill time with ideas, plans, to do lists, projects and responsibilities was at first hardly diminished. Yet I now find it waning, and feel no less whole as a result. Unexpectedly.
Where I once thought I would “fill [every] unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run”, I now am able to fill an unforgiving minute with my own forgiveness at the achievement of nothing. This is an art and a curse, but a necessary curse as it currently stands, and one that I am befriending. Doing nothing, it seems, is still a choice, and a worthy one at that.