Written 8th April 2015
Today I feel tired and foggy. I feel directionless. Rudderless. A friend used that term recently and I couldn’t grasp the sense of what was meant by it when I heard it, but today I think it fits. I feel purpose-less. Or do I feel overwhelmed by too much purpose that I am unable to fulfil?
Recovery is slow. Rest is so important but it feels wasteful and unproductive. As a teacher and Head of Faculty (a large faculty at that), I am glad of the imposed rest resulting from the Easter holidays as it has forced me to allow some recovery time, but it has also not allowed me the chance to go back and see how it feels to attempt to run a department in the middle of a relapse.
All of my emotional energy is currently being taken up by the decision-making process. No, the decision weighing up and not concluding anything process. Last night I dreamed of working in a department store which had a leaky roof, and my efforts to keep the crowd of early customers from entering the building. I place a lot of store on the symbolism of dreams, and have been at least reassured and at most heavily influenced by an emotion, an action or a motif in a dream which arrives at just the right point in my life many times over. A little research provided the following, fairly common sense, pointers as to what this may have been trying to tell me. A leaky roof symbolises emotional energy that is not being used wisely; anxiety or fear and distractions or unwanted influences in your life. Huh. A department store represents available options or a decision-making process. Okay… Lastly, a crowd can depict a need for space and time to reflect, and trying to stop or delay a crowd indicates the need to stop being unduly pressured by other people’s ideas and expectations.
I am going to step down. Despite how I know this may be perceived, this feels right.
“Sometimes I forget that putting
myself first isn’t selfish,it’s necessary.”